This warfare between siblings was always calmed by games, whether it be the gameboy original we shared or the ps1 we loved more than one should normally love an inanimate object. We played together endlessly, i actually don’t remember much else from my childhood other than playing games on various platforms with my brother, strange (but not so strange if you know me well enough..anyway). Unfortunately my upbringing was rather dysfunctional you could say, i went to around 13 different schools and never had a group of friends to call my own. Therefore my mum and my brother were really the only people i had constantly in my life. It wasn’t that i was unable to make friends, it was simply down to the fact i was always the new girl, moving that much as a child isn’t healthy for your personal relationships and development of social skills. Luckily i was born with enough brain cells to teach myself how to interact ‘normally’ with others.
Because of this loneliness i set out to find more like minded people on the internet, now this is my biggest mistake, like minded people being the highlight here. People always ask me, so are you a tom boy? No i am very much not a tom boy but on the flip side i’m extremely boyish at times. It’s hard to explain, just imagine the girliest of girls, and the ladiest of boys and merge them together and you’ll create me. I’m like a very camp guy or a really boyish girl. I play games in my tracksuit for days on end and then ill scrub up throw on my glamrags, put my favourite heels on and spend hours dancing the night away in clubs. A lot of things about me are contradicting and the more you get to know me the more you’ll realise you know nothing about me. Its quite strange but also interesting to watch people struggle to understand me… however, i’m nice enough to give you pointers.. (you’re reading them now)! :3
Therefore, finding like minded individuals was always a challenge, i meet a lot of people online who i genuinely instantly click with, i become really good friends and can share everything with. Unfortunately for the rest of the world these are always guys, meaning the persona of attention seeking female gamer is always prominent to others, even though very much not true. Ok, i admit making videos on youtube doesn’t seem like the least attention seeking thing in the world although people really see it for more than it is. I can make something, create content and people will watch it. Regular people who subscribe, who email me, comment and like my videos. Its all about community, something i can see grow and evolve and develop over time, i get to meet these people, make new friends and form life long bonds with people of all cultures. This is why i make videos.
Now, stop distracting me, lets get back to my point. Whether i make video’s or not i will always be known in the community i decide to be a part of, that is simply who i am. I like to talk, interact and meet new people. So whether it be gaming or in a work place, everyone i want to will know my name. Making videos really extends this, so many people have stumbled on one of my videos, followed me on twitter and then sparked a great conversation with me, leading to an awesome friendship. I love this and cherish every single bit of communication i receive from anyone. Having people surrounding me online is perfect for me because even though i love interaction and friendship and conversation i am very much a loner and enjoy my space, my own time and my own company.
Despite what people think i have very few friends in the real world, now that’s again not because i can’t have them its purely because i don’t allow myself to have them. I don’t let many people get close to me and even if i do i share very little details about myself. Some of my bestest friends have no clue about my life and what i have achieved or seen or done. I like it this way, i guess one day ill find that one person ill share everything with and then they will probably run away and never look back. Haha! Ooh, this brings me on to something else exciting, i believe in true love, but probably not in the way you do!
For me true love is accepting everything about a person, seeing them for exactly who they are and saying ‘i love them despite there problems’ it isn’t thinking someone’s perfect or seeing the sun shine out of their behinds, it’s honestly evaluating someone and honestly 100% loving them for who they are. Knowing why they act the way they do and do the most random things is a part of this. Forgiving them no matter what mistakes they make and being their shoulder to cry on. I think very few people really find a person they love 100% and
i genuinely think i never will but ill keep looking, i’m willing to get my heart broken a million times over it means one day ill find that one person! Which (Update) i think i may have found.. There isn’t really much to say here apart from things that would make even the strongest of people want to vom so i’ll leave out the fairy details and just simply say.. maybe i was wrong.. i mean it’s okay to be wrong sometimes. I am happy.. more than i have ever been and iv’e finally found someone who doesn’t look down on me or question why i do things.. or causes petty arguments for no reason. They are wonderful and we’re perfect together.
See, im such a contradiction it makes me sick, i’m a loner who never wants to be alone, but also loves it. GREAT!
Because of all the things above, crappy childhood, little friends and the want to be alone most of the time i find the internet my sanctuary. Being around groups of people makes me anxious and awkward, i actually suffer from clinical anxiety which im meant to be medicated for but im stronger than that so i chose not to. I hate group situations, i would rather hang out in small numbers if possible. I would chose a night out with one other person over a big event any day. Now its so strange because I’m a very confident outgoing person i just hate the bitchiness and competitiveness of groups. Everyone is trying to be the funny happy fun-time person and i just cant be bothered to even try, making myself look like a quiet boring person, which I’m not. I definitely shine in one on one situations and that’s where i prefer to dwell. Oddly enough i like conventions but the key factor here is that i’ll be wandering around that massive convention with my small group of people who i enjoy spending time with and that i feel comfortable with.
However, on the internet i can be around as many people as i want, have a community of hundreds of people and still be able to step away from it and be on my own. When i turn my computer on I’m embracing the community and i turn it off when i want to be left alone, no one can contact me or disturb my me time and i love it. Playing games to me is very much a social thing, i rarely play games alone and if i do i’m still with other people i just probably have no clue who they are. I love big guilds and knowing the known people in any game, the developers and the community teams. If i could do this without a single person knowing who i am i probably would, but i can’t. Hence putting myself out there on the internet is a must, this has enabled me to meet all kinds of people, employers, sponsors and friends all over the gaming industry and world.
Since starting YouTube my confidence has grown immensely, i feel like i can be myself and not worry about what people think, although the trolls do get me down but that’s generally because i just can’t figure out why people go out of there way to hurt others, it bothers me, it really does. This confidence has given me the strength and courage to take my hobby further. I was pondering on the idea of switching degree’s as i really didnt enjoy mine from the start however, it wasn’t until i had surgery early in 2012 that i finally took the leap and decided i wasn’t happy doing what i was doing.
So I started a Multi-Media Journalism Degree in September 2012. I currently i spend 90% of my focus on creating video content rather than putting words onto paper, although this is something i want to change! Who would of thought i would end up wanting to be a games journalist, crazy! From dancer to psychologist and now journalism. The degree itself will train me in all areas of multi-platform journalism, enabling me to produce stories for the web, print and broadcast media. The emphasis of the degree is on practical skills, writing stories, recording and editing interviews – basically being a journalist from day one.
Benefiting from strong regional and national media links at the university, i will progress and develop as a working journalist. I am also assigned publishing assignments to ensure that the skills i am learning and using are relevant and meet industry demand. My university has an agency that gives me the opportunity to work on live journalism projects which breeds confidence, builds my portfolio and makes me employable, yay! Students on this course can apparently go straight into employment as journalists in the regional and national press, local, national and international broadcasters and digital radio stations. The skills i learn can also lead to a wide range of career options involving production, editing and writing.
This is so exciting for me, especially because i don’t have to write a single word. All of my work can be in video format, i can develop my skills, use professional equipment and really take everything i already know and the experiences i have to the next level. Finally, after 21 years i have found the one thing i enjoy doing more than anything and oddly enough its simply just talking about video games. I guess its more than that, editing and recording videos, writing articles, marketing, advertising in social media, managing communities and most of all seeing my progression. All of these things keep me coming back for more each day. So i do this everyday off my own back, why not make it my career right?
If you want to check out what i do my YouTube channel is www.youtube.com/kaeyidream and i have a variety of gameplay, reviews and news style videos to suit all tastes. I also have a vlog channel at www.youtube.com/awildkaeyiappears where i talk about my random life and things that happen within it.
Okay so we have been personal, its been a long journey so lets get to the gaming history, the interesting part! I started playing when i was about 7 years old, i was a late bloomer this was 1997 and i started by watching my mum’s boyfriend play doom. This was so intriguing to me as a 7 year old girl, i have no idea why and to this day i don’t really understand why i love gaming so much, to be honest it clashes completely with my other interests. My first console was a sega megadrive and sonic was my favourite game for a long time, finally i was bought a PS1 and games such as Spyro, Abe (Oddworld) and Halo were my all time favourite things to spend time on. This developed and i eventually worked my way through Ps1, Ps2, Ps3, Xbox, Xbox 360, Nintendo Wii and i then discovered my love for pc games. Console made me too angry, once i threw an xbox controller at my brother for killing me in halo and i broke his collar bone. Did i forget to mention my inner nerd rage? Ok moving on, haha.
The first pc game i played was Empire Earth/Age of Empires and i loved the RTS type games, this moved on to wanting to play with people. Feeling alone in gaming is something i really dislike and thats why i started delving into mmorpg’s. In total i have played, WoW (2 years), Rift (6 Months), GW2 + Gw1, Perfect World, Swtor, and a ton of other F2P ones that i cannot remember.
I really look forward to developing my skills as a Gaming Journalist as this is something i am extremely passionate about, i have changed degrees and everything to put my heart and sole into this. I now work for a company called Heaven Media and directly create video content for Hardwareheaven.com where i review games/hardware and cover gaming news, its a dream job. This year i get to attend CeBit, GamesCom, EuroGamer & hopefully BlizzCon with work so that is very exciting. Currently i am focusing on progressing my YouTube channel, writing skills and trying to get some work experience in a Studio to develop my CV further. Come on this journey with me and let me share my experiences with you, that’s all i ask!
The internet is my life and most of my closest friends currently reside online, you’re more than welcome to chat to me any time, i adore new people.
Thanks for reading this unstructured waffle, Kaeyi :3